Estranged from my own Soul

Estranged from my own Soul

Content Warning

This poem has mentions of
dysphoria and dissociation.

Every now and then I try to journal
It never really works out
I do it for one day
Feel something
And then I can never bring myself to do it again
For at least another eight months
I try to journal before I write
Brain dumps
Because I’m not really being mindful
I’m just dumping everything in my brain onto a page
As soon as I finish it goes in the trash
I use it to clear my mind for a snippet of space
So I can fill it up with some poetic and fluffy words
Every now and then I try to learn more about myself
About what I like, who I like
Where I want to go
But the more I think about myself the less I know
About the things and people that exist in my shell
The shell I chose before I was born
In that space before
I chose this shell and I can’t change it
The people inside, the things I’ve accumulated to make up myself
I don’t know them
I know that they are there
I’m aware of what gets pushed to the forefront
And of what is left to make friends with the wandering soot
I stare at myself often
I find myself beautiful, frightening
Odd
I forget what I look like most of the time
Like I’m existing outside of my body
My soul, my body, my mind
All existing two steps behind each other
Fighting for last place
Every now and then I try to remember what it’s like to be human
Despite spending so much time in my own company
It’s not like we talk
We sit next to each other
Share each other’s space
Coincide with and occasionally smile
I am estranged from my own soul,
I don’t think I ever even introduced myself.

Notes

Notes

Below are some notes about this piece, including the thoughts and external inspirations that occurred during its creation. 
Bear in mind, this is simply what I was thinking of when I wrote these poems and what they mean to me. If you interpreted them differently, that does not diminish how you felt as the reader nor the correctness/incorrectness of what you were thinking. 
Estranged from my own Soul [2023] is a journal-type prose poem. I wouldn't classify it as structured writing and this isn't something I would submit professionally in its current state. However, it was important to me at the time so I'm honouring it here in my portfolio. Dysphoria is an extensive part of my life. Has been for a very long time. Sometimes it can be related to my gender, how it feels to be a woman, how it feels to be non-conforming. In this dysphoria it was about losing the sense of how it feels to be human. 
prose

Below are some notes about this piece, including the thoughts and external inspirations that occurred during its creation.
Bear in mind, this is simply what I was thinking of when I wrote these poems and what they mean to me. If you interpreted them differently, that does not diminish how you felt as the reader nor the correctness/incorrectness of what you were thinking. Poetry is subjective, and so is being alive.

“Brain dumps” are a technique I use before writing almost all my structured pieces. I set a timer, sit down with a pen and a piece of paper, and just write stream-of-consciousness continuously until the timer stops. Inspiration can come from these moments. Most of the time the paper would be burnt or thrown away.
“Wandering soot” is a reference to the little sentient soot sprites (susuwatari) from some of the Studio Ghibli films. They wander through old and abandoned houses, leaving dirt and dust in their wake.

Brain dumps

Sources: 

Wikipedia